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OMG Cincinnati

In January it was the bitter, take-your-breath-away cold. In April it was the gloomy sky. Two weeks ago it was the torrential downpours. And this week it’s the stifling heat and humidity. Could someone remind me why I live in Cincinnati?  Oh yeah. It’s my family. My friends. My neighbors. It’s the people, not the weather, that make this city a great place to live.

What’s wrong with this song? Everything.

I love 60s and 70s music. Whenever I go to the library, I grab a CD for the car. Today it was Bobby Goldsboro. I laughed that I still remembered the words to Watching Scotty Grow. But I stopped laughing, and actually pulled over, as I listened to Summer The First Time. Then I played it again to be sure I heard it correctly:

     She was 31 and I was 17,

     I knew nothing about love, she knew everything…

     And when she looked at me, 
I heard her softly say, 

     I know you’re young, 
You don’t know what to do or say,

     But stay with me until the sun has gone away,

     And I will chase the boy in you away….

     We sat on the sand, and the boy took her hand,

     But I saw the sun rise as a man.

This song is about a pedophile!!  Women go to jail for this behavior! What were we thinking America? In 1973 Summer The First Time reached #21 on the Billboard Top 100. Ugh.

Post-Christmas coma

What is it about the Christmas holiday that makes me think it’s OK to eat and drink megadoses of stuff I would never consume in megadoses any other time of the year? Here it is, December 26, and I am comatose from the embarrassing amount of red wine, white wine, Bud Light Limes, apple pie, sugar cookies (with sprinkles) and hot cocoa that I managed to consume in the last three days. As my guests were leaving my house last night, I informed them that my next task, after doing the dishes, was to lose 15 pounds. I meant it. But here it is 14 hours into Day One of my healthy, post-Christmas eating regimen, and I don’t even want to put into words what I just ate for lunch. What will it take for me to actually mean what I say the day after I say it?

But that’s the beauty of weight-loss resolutions. If you fail, you can try again. And again.  And again.


Tacky is good

I like Christmas. I just don’t like spending a lot for a gift that no one needs. That’s why I’m a fan of the white elephant gift exchange. Buy a $5 gift. The tackier the better. Disguise it in a lovely box with paper and ribbon. The results can be very funny. At a recent party my tacky gift was a box of chocolates. “Not so tacky” you may be thinking. But I took a small bite out of each piece before I wrapped it. Very tacky. Very funny. And only $5.

(I walked away with a dozen foam cows. Score! I love cows. The perfect tree ornament.)

Christmas Cows

How can I help you?

Whenever I see a “No Cell Phone” sign posted at a cash register I get a tad uncomfortable. I mean, is it appropriate to give a directive like this to someone who is about to hand you a wad of cash or plastic?

But my discomfort pales in comparison to how I felt during a recent visit to a doctor’s office. Hanging on the wall above the receptionist’s window were six distinct, fully-engraved signs:

  • If you are more than 20 minutes late you will have to reschedule.
  • If your insurance has changed please let us know.
  • A charge of $30 will be made on returned checks.
  • Co-pays must be paid before you see the doctor.
  • Notify us of any change in address.
  • Turn off your cell phone.

It left me wondering: Should I draw my own blood too? Send it to the lab? Mail myself the bill?